Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
