My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Someone signed my nipple.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
