How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
