Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
