and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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