if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
