history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
