I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
