Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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