Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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