every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is Oprah even human
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
