I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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