plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
