You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FUCK WHALES
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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