Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
