is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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