this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
