she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize