I wanna passion pit in your ass
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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