Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
