I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
