I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
