I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
