he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
