I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
