maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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