the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
