apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
