I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
