Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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