I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
