Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Vodka?
Forever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
