he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
