yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
