it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
