She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
