Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
