I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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