Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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