Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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