where does the pee come out of this thing
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
