Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
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Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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