I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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