Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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