My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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