They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
