Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize