I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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