Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
