I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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