she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
