Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
