No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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