Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
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Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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